right now i feel lost.
loose yourself and you will find it....is that why i feel lost?
maybe. is that whats going on? i dunno.
right now im listening to adam young's amazing version of my favorite song ever, in christ alone. so good. right now i feel connected. at peace. so then why do i feel lost?
its so weird. i'm in the process of dying. i have cancer and i know that it has to go. i know that i have a ginormous tumor that needs to die. what is my tumor?
its selfishness. its lack of love. its vain conciet. its lazyness. its comfort. its the drive for my own self glory. its jealousy, its contempt. it's infecting my entire being. eating me alive.
i've never had cancer, i know its horrible and so hard to walk through.
i know that if not treated it willl kill you.
i've heard people say, the closer they get to the Lord, the more they realize their sin. ive had those moments, but none as much as now.
i've been wrestling with the Lord this week. God, do i get a day off from the world race?!?!?! a day when i don't lead a team, a day when i don't feel sick and still have to press through, when i don't have to do feedback, when i don't have to do "ministry", when i don't have to choose others above myself. when i can just feel like "me" again with my new family.
Jesus simply said, "if you want one, take it. sit on your bucket. but do you want to choose me or choose you? do you want to choose life or death, do you want to settle or engage in the wild exciting plan i have for you? come away with me..."
God is so good. so patient so kind. He is so sweet. He has been gives me choices. but the reality is that its no choice at all. because its either choose me or choose Him. choosing me is not satisfying. choosing Him, may be hard. but its rewarding. its what i really want.
"till lifes first cry till final death
Jesus commands my destiny"
ok...i don't feel lost...i feel like im dying.
i like that the ruth i once knew is dying
my impurities are being burned off in the fire
i'm being chissled away at...
to look more like my Maker.
i want all this ugliness to go.
theres comfort in my sickness.
theres comfort in settling.
theres a wierd part of me thats sad to see it go
but theres a HUGE part that is ripping it out with a spoon
as fast as i can...
i want this fight between my flesh and spirit to cease.
i want this tug o war gone.
i just want my Spirit to win.
"i want all fears and striving to cease
My comforter my All in All.
Here in the Love of Christ i stand...
there in the ground His body way
Light of the world by darkness slain
then bursting forth in glorious day
up from the grace He rose again
and as He stands in VICTORY
sins curse has LOST its grip on me
FOR I AM HIS
and HE IS MINE...
bought with the precious blood of Christ
no guilt in life...
no fear in death....
this is the power of Christ in me...
from lifes first cry till final breath
Jesus commands my destiny...
till he returns or calls me home
here in the power of Christ i'll stand..."
"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart." Ezekiel 36:26
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