contemplating death part 2

right now i feel lost.

loose yourself and you will find it....is that why i feel lost?

maybe.  is that whats going on? i dunno.

right now im listening to adam young's amazing version of my favorite song ever, in christ alone.  so good.  right now i feel connected. at peace. so then why do i feel lost?

its so weird.   i'm in the process of dying.  i have cancer and i know that  it has to go.  i know that i have a ginormous tumor that needs to die.  what is my tumor?

its selfishness.  its lack of love.  its vain conciet.  its lazyness.  its comfort.  its the drive for my own self glory. its jealousy, its contempt.   it's infecting my entire being.  eating me alive.

i've never had cancer, i know its horrible and so hard to walk through.

i know that if not treated it willl kill you.

i've heard people say, the closer they get to the Lord, the more they realize their sin.  ive had those moments, but none as much as now.

i've been wrestling with the Lord this week.  God, do i get a day off from the world race?!?!?! a day when i don't lead a team, a day when i don't feel sick and still have to press through, when i don't have to do feedback, when i don't have to do "ministry",  when i don't have to choose others above myself.   when i can just feel like "me" again with my new family.

Jesus simply said, "if you want one, take it. sit on your bucket.  but do you want to choose me or choose you?  do you want to choose life or death, do you want to settle or engage in the wild exciting plan i have for you? come away with me..."

God is so good. so patient so kind.  He is so sweet.  He has been gives me choices.  but the reality is that its no choice at all.  because its either choose me or choose Him.  choosing me is not satisfying.  choosing Him, may be hard. but its rewarding.  its what i really want.


"till lifes first cry till final death
Jesus commands my destiny"

ok...i don't feel lost...i feel like im dying.
i like that the ruth i once knew is dying
my impurities are being burned off in the fire
i'm being chissled away at...
to look more like my Maker.
i want all this ugliness to go.
theres comfort in my sickness.
theres comfort in settling.
theres a wierd part of me thats sad to see it go
but theres a HUGE part that is ripping it out with a spoon
as fast as i can...
i want this fight between my flesh and spirit to cease.
i want this tug o war gone.
i just want my Spirit to win.

"i want all fears and striving to cease
My comforter my All in All.
Here in the Love of Christ i stand...

there in the ground His body way
Light of the world by darkness slain
then bursting forth in glorious day
up from the grace He rose again
and as He stands in VICTORY
sins curse has LOST its grip on me
FOR I AM HIS
and HE IS MINE...
bought with the precious blood of Christ
no guilt in life...
no fear in death....
this is the power of Christ in me...
from lifes first cry till final breath
Jesus commands my destiny...

till he returns or calls me home
here in the power of Christ i'll stand..."

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."  Ezekiel 36:26

Where were you....

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Job Video

what makes....

What makes people, a year into daitng, choose to be in different countries for 18 months?!?!?!!?!? 

What in the world makes a person leave their daily comforts, a bed, a hot shower, ice water, a house,  for 11 months?   

What makes a person go on a crazy diet of only bone marrow broth soup, morning, noon and night to strengthen their health and immune system?  

What makes someone give up a year of their life, with little to no pay, counting soley on the support of others so go into some of the poorest, darkest parts of the world?  

What makes two twins, barely ever apart, go three years without seeing each other?  

¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, 

   because the LORD has anointed me 

   to proclaim good news to the poor. 

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, 

   to proclaim freedom for the captives 

   and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a] 

² to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor 

   and the day of vengeance of our God, 

to comfort all who mourn, 

 ³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion— 

to bestow on them a crown of beauty 

   instead of ashes, 

the oil of joy 

   instead of mourning, 

and a garment of praise 

   instead of a spirit of despair. 

They will be called oaks of righteousness, 

   a planting of the LORD 

   for the display of his splendor.

¹⁰ I delight greatly in the LORD; 

   my soul rejoices in my God. 

For he has clothed me with garments of salvation 

   and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, 

as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, 

   and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. 

¹¹ For as the soil makes the sprout come up 

   and a garden causes seeds to grow, 

so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness 

   and praise spring up before all nations.

Sacrifice

Memorial Day is a day off from work, a chance to soak up the sun, and eat good food, but most importantly and often forgotten, its a day to reflect and be thankful for all the Men, Women, and families who daily sacrifice for the freedom of the United States of America.

I spent the day painting.  I grew very very bitter as the day continued.  So angry that i was missed out on my last holiday with friends for over a year! So bitter that I was spending my weekend painting and moving out of my house.

But as I reflected on the day and all the sacrifices that men, women and families are daily making my heart softened.

I was making this sacrifice today, so that in a  few months I can also go fight for freedom.  But not the freedom of the US, freedom, of those who are in bondage to sin, loneliness, human trafficking.  I get to be apart of the battle happening world wide, not against flesh and blood but against evil.  Luckily, unlike our fight against terroism, I know that God will ultimately win this war.  However, there are many battles left to be fought, and many lives to share the freedom of the gospel with, and many many sacrifices to still be made.

It is more then worth it.

I was reading today all about the Holy Spirit and just reminded me how insanely worth all the trials that we come across on this earth are:

   “No eye has seen, 

   No ear has heard, 

and No human mind has conceived”

   the things God has prepared for those who love him.  

1 Corinthians  2:9

  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33


I can't even WAIT what God has prepared for my future, even here on earth.  But most importantly what God has prepared for me in eternity!!!

life...

Today i celebrate life and along with that death.  this journey we call life is filled with so much joy, memories, laughter and oh so much pain, heartache and tears.  lives are intertwined at many different levels and lengths.  

today i am remembering a best friend who was only a part of my life for six years but will forever shape who i am today and the journey that i am on.  six years today he left this earth...but in those twenty years he lived, he lived a life well.  touched so many lives and brightened so many days.  

its moments like today that i sit back and remember why i am alive.  i am reminded to love deeply and cherish the people that i get to journey this life with.  

my heartaches because i don't know the big picture, i don't know why some lives are only meant to be lived for twenty years. so many questions my heart still asks.  but i do rest in the peace that there is a bigger plan and there is a purpose.  

i am soooo insanely thankful that there is a purpose for all this pain.  there are moments when satan temps me to despair and focus on the hurt and unknown...but i know i can stand firm on the Lords promises...

‎"you give and take away blessed be the name of the Lord because all the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful...so we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen, for what is unseen is eternal but what is seen will fade. "

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus

Just to take Him at His word

Jesus Jesus precious Jesus

oh for grace to trust Him more

I'm so glad i learned to trust Him

Precious Jesus Savior Friend

And i know that Hi is with me

Will be there to the end" 

He said gooooo!!!!

I heard back from World Race...I have been accepted!!!! EHHHKKK!!!!! I will be leaving September 1st.

Tidbits from my readings lately:  

"Go and announce to them that the kingdom of Heaven is near.  Heal the sick, raise the dead, cure the lepers, and coast of daemons, Give as freely as you have received. " Matthew 10: 7

The Lord replies, "I will arise and defend the oppressed, the poor, the needy.  I will rescuer them as they have longed for me to do,"  The Lord's promise is sure.  He speaks no carelss word; all he says is purest truth, like silver seven times refunded." Psalms 12: 5- 7

"The one who calls you, He will do it" 1 Thess 5: 23

"The harvest is so great and the workers are so few..."  Mathew 9:37

Praise be to God!!!!

Ruth

whatever you say....

if you say go, i will go. if you say wait, i will wait, if you say step out on the water...ill fix my eyes on you and go...


your ways are higher than my ways....